Episodes

Lance talks about today's pop and country music and why it sucks. He opines it's a filtering issue. There's just no filter on what flushes down the internet stream. There used to be record companies and radio and TV programmers standing guard. Though, all of them must have been asleep at the switch with Disco Duck, Muskrat Love, et al. Et al. is a legal term - Google it! If anyone, and he means anyone, can record at home, and dump their cough, cough, "craft" onto the net there's no one to say, H...

Lance teases about clickbait, air-headed celebrity endorsements, how sex sells- well, duh- and why he keeps getting click bait on Meta- which he still calls Face Book- about a photo of side boob of some model he's never heard of nor cares about. Are jingles superior sales tools compared to celeb endorsements? Is Lance permanently programmed by soda jingles from his childhood? What about a celeb who just happened to wear an article of clothing or jewelry and suddenly fans are crazed to get it? La...

Lance talks about employment interviews. He begins by telling us about work he did as a kid and for which he didn't apply. This work is known as, "chores." With marketing know-how, Lance suggests a new name for chores: "Blessings." "Hey, son, I've a few blessings for you to give the family. You may start by cleaning the toilet." Moving in to job interviews- often these days via Zoom- he describes the process, beginning with recruiters. You might think military recruiters are slithery sorts....

Lance builds a better mousetrap thinking that'll lead to great success. It's what he heard during his growin' up years. Did building a better mousetrap help him get ahead in a government job? Hah, no. What about when he built a better one for private employers? PFFFHAHAHA, norious. Where did Lance go wrong? Has he learned a lesson? What are the meanings of megalomaniacal and vainglorious and how do they apply to his episode? Take a listen to find out their meanings and much more.

Lance describes how his plans for not just a little, but a lot, of "somthin' somethin" turned into nothin' nothin over a four day weekend. There was always some darned excuse: too tired from the week, too bloated and gassy after that outrageously expensive dinner, drank too much, again, and the, "Let's just watch one more Hallmark movie and I'll be ready, which leads to watching yet another Hallmark Movie, and another, until coma. Lance learns the valuable lesson, real romance is free. If someon...

Lance talks about New Years. He tells us NYE means different things depending on your age. One thing that wasn't different for decades was Dick Clark on the tele and watching "The Ball" drop." What if the ball suddenly dropped way too fast and smashed at the bottom into tiny crystal pieces? Now that would be a harbinger worse than voting for Trump! Speaking of which he tells his take on meeting a woman at an L.A. NYE party. First thing out her mouth would likely be, "You didn't vote for Tru...

Lance discusses Christmas versus Hanukkah. At Sunday school he was told he must learn to think for himself. Except, when it came to religion, which is, as everyone knows, from "on high," and cannot be questioned. He tells us about the history of Hanukkah, the eight (8) day, "Festival of Lights," and how the Jews were, on the ushe, being killed, there religion cancelled, and temples destroyed. Talk about cancel culture. He then reveals why, even though he was raised Jewish, he connects much bett...

With nine days before Christmas, Lance starts thinking about Christmas adult beverages. This gets him thinking about adult beverages, in general. He's a nauseous, no on, "The Nog," and not a connoisseur of wines- reds taste like Dr. Pepper, grapes, and alcohol, while, whites only taste like just grapes and alcohol. He reflects on his college days, "Great Drinking Contest" and how he put into action a prank involving Tequila and Lavoris mouthwash. . He reveals, he does not have an addictive per...

Lance talks about Uber-- Uber annoying people (person) he got stuck behind at a booth selling luxury cookies at a local street fair. He gets triggered by a woman holding others up at his favorite cookie stand by asking one stupid question after another. She wastes everybody's time and then she doesn't buy anything. Haven't we all all encountered these people from time to time? Serenity now-- and a cookie later!

And a 5,6,7,8-- Strippers: Not just a stocking for your stuffer. No doubt, countless guys, and some gals, have fantasized about being with, or living with a stripper. Lance shares his experiences, living with, and dating strippers. That's right plural! And the high school trophy for studliness goes to SmartyPantsLance! Strippers, exotic dancers, or just plain "dancers"- no not the kind on Broadway- have a certain rep. But Lance tells us they're real people, too. Who knew! Lance asks who's smart...

Lance says no thanks to the family Thanksgiving get together. The travel, the expense, the lousy customer service, the no so "world-famous" dishes, the annoyingly secretive and braggadocious relatives are all not worth it. He ponders why he should put up with all the preceding just to spend time with people he doesn't see or speak with all year long. Lance also compares Turkey versus ham, versus Vegan, people. Vegans are automatically out. They'd be thankful to not have anyone enjoy animal produ...

Smarty Pants Lance takes you into the kitchen to share some of how movie are made. Ol' Smarty is from the south, don't ya know, and he comes a callin' to see where a co-worker is at. His scene features a petite albino and her giant raven-haired sister. Why didn't he just call ahead? Lance shares a famous Orson Welles, quote, "A poet needs a pen, a painter a brush, a director an army. Yes a director does need an army and you hear examples, why. So, pop a brew, and kick off your shoes. "Set" uh sp...

Smarty Pants Lance holds a stethoscope up to Medical Assistants ("MA"). Since they've no brains, he didn't expect a pulse. There are three kinds of medical assistants: dumb, dumber, and dumbest. Becoming , Lance gets the dumbest. Becoming a medical assistant is easy. It's perfect for those who want to qualify for something just by taking an online course. Lance rants. He describes medical assistants are 20-30 year-old women in the Los Angeles area who are stupid, lazy, and just plain, don't care...

Smarty Pants Lance was and is a licensed attorney at law in California. A large part of his legal practice was criminal defense. Beaver Clever sez: No foolin'! In this episode, Lance describes quirky courtroom antics, the difference between infractions, misdemeanors, and felonies, police prostitution sting operations, and his opinion that it's a true crime not to show, Mel Brooks's classic movie, "Blazing Saddles." An honorable mention goes to another, Mel Brooks classic, "The Producers." If y...

Smarty Pants Lance, inspired by the Foreigner song, "Feels Like The First Time," questions whether the first time the best time? Introduced by The Duke himself, John Wayne, Lance tells the tale of his first three times, or attempts which included, among other things, a Pith Helmut a la 1930's-40's jungle movies, a creaking bed, stubbed toes, not one, but two, count 'em, two condoms at the same time, parents on the other side of the wall. three white, toy poodles with anxiety disorders, a gay m...

Smarty Pants Lance takes a look at a person's looks. Do looks matter? Do people look like their pets, cars, environments? What about a person's character? We've all known some "characters" haven't we? Do better looking people have an easier life? Make more money? As the song says, is everything beautiful in it's own way? What about facial moles? And don't get me started on bad hygiene gross grooming habits, or a woman with a short, angular, "I'm a bitch" haircut.. Is attraction initially all...

Smarty Pants Lance talks about the comings, goings, and doings of weekends. Is it true that everybody's working for the weekend, as the 80's band, Loverboy proclaimed. Are weekends made for Michelob? Didn't weekends come into existence, first? If so, Michelob was made for weekends; not the other way around. What about weekend dates? I'm looking for my Friday, or Saturday, steady, as they said in the 50's to early 60's Do you desperately, "swipe right" on tinder or Bumble all week long, hoping...

Smarty Pants Lance dons his visor and sleeve garter, grabs his adding machine, and totals up the cost in Costco and other discount membership warehouse stores. Go right on in, have a look around, and find bargains galore! A bargain is something you don't really need, at a price you can't afford to turn down! Fill up on highly processed food samples while you empty your wallet! Please don't leave until you've spent it all! Here's a great idea for a date: Meet at the outside food counter and hav...

Smarty Pants Lance talks about flakey people. They're not just on the Westcoast, anymore! Why are people so darn flakey? It's not a new phenomenon. In the past, Lance has befallen victim by flakes since his high school days. These days he has a no flake policy. If meeting or getting together, the person agreeing to meet, or get together, must confirm via text 24 hours in advance, or hell no, Lance won't go! If the person meeting Lance is 5 minutes late for any kind of meeting, even Zoom, and ...

In this, change-of-pace, episode, Smarty Pants Lance waxes sentimentally about his long ago and dearly departed rescue- a Husky mix- he named, Amanda or "Mander T. Commander." Was it fate or coincidence that brought then together? Lance prefers to believe it was fate. You decide. The correct answer is fate! A "shaggy dog story" of two who needed each other. For those who worry about rescuing a dog, please keep in mind, she was a very good girl!

Smarty Pants Lance delves into the old saw; "Actions speak louder than words." It's about those things people say, but don't really mean. Manipulations, game playing, misrepresentation to out-and-out-fraud, and niceties, too, such as , "Oh, my, what a cute baby! he/she/they/it are just soooo cute! Politicians are notorious for saying things that sound good but when pressed- sometimes by The Press-, don't really mean what they say or promise. So, what's not to like? Watch what people actually do...

At the insistence of so-called, friends, "Smarty Pants Lance," "Big Bangs" his way into podcasting with his first episode containing a short, humorous descriptions of a few of his life experiences, including: cheap and broken furniture and general messiness at radio stations, unusable toilets, how to distinguish between movie actors, TV personalities, and radio peeps, hating every moment of religious school, my childhood dentist who smoked while working on me. how swimming pools are cesspools, a...

Smarty Pants Lance talks about his experiences with penny-pinching, cheap bastards. Including: a tight-as-a-tick, cheapskate, landlady who was always trying to save a buck, including the time she baked rolls of toilet paper in the oven to dry them because they got wet due to a leak underneath the sink, and buying "swap meet" cottage cheese, and all those other, coupon clipping, penny-pinching, misers. Save the time to listen to Smarty Pants Lance as he supplies comedy commentary. As always, it's...

Watch the Pennies and the Dollars Will Watch Themselves!