Episodes

Smarty Pants Lance takes you into the kitchen to share some of how movie are made. Ol' Smarty is from the south, don't ya know, and he comes a callin' to see where a co-worker is at. His scene features a petite albino and her giant raven-haired sister. Why didn't he just call ahead? Lance shares a famous Orson Welles, quote, "A poet needs a pen, a painter a brush, a director an army. Yes a director does need an army and you hear examples, why. So, pop a brew, and kick off your shoes. "Set" uh...

Smarty Pants Lance holds a stethoscope up to Medical Assistants ("MA"). Since they've no brains, he didn't expect a pulse. There are three kinds of medical assistants: dumb, dumber, and dumbest. Becoming , Lance gets the dumbest. Becoming a medical assistant is easy. It's perfect for those who want to qualify for something just by taking an online course. Lance rants. He describes medical assistants are 20-30 year-old women in the Los Angeles area who are stupid, lazy, and just plain, don't c...

Smarty Pants Lance was and is a licensed attorney at law in California. A large part of his legal practice was criminal defense. Beaver Clever sez: No foolin'! In this episode, Lance describes quirky courtroom antics, the difference between infractions, misdemeanors, and felonies, police prostitution sting operations, and his opinion that it's a true crime not to show, Mel Brooks's classic movie, "Blazing Saddles." An honorable mention goes to another, Mel Brooks classic, "The Producers." If y...

Smarty Pants Lance, inspired by the Foreigner song, "Feels Like The First Time," questions whether the first time the best time? Introduced by The Duke himself, John Wayne, Lance tells the tale of his first three times, or attempts which included, among other things, a Pith Helmut a la 1930's-40's jungle movies, a creaking bed, stubbed toes, not one, but two, count 'em, two condoms at the same time, parents on the other side of the wall. three white, toy poodles with anxiety disorders, a gay ma...

Smarty Pants Lance takes a look at a person's looks. Do looks matter? Do people look like their pets, cars, environments? What about a person's character? We've all known some "characters" haven't we? Do better looking people have an easier life? Make more money? As the song says, is everything beautiful in it's own way? What about facial moles? And don't get me started on bad hygiene gross grooming habits, or a woman with a short, angular, "I'm a bitch" haircut.. Is attraction initially all a...

Smarty Pants Lance talks about the comings, goings, and doings of weekends. Is it true that everybody's working for the weekend, as the 80's band, Loverboy proclaimed. Are weekends made for Michelob? Didn't weekends come into existence, first? If so, Michelob was made for weekends; not the other way around. What about weekend dates? I'm looking for my Friday, or Saturday, steady, as they said in the 50's to early 60's Do you desperately, "swipe right" on tinder or Bumble all week long, hoping f...

Smarty Pants Lance dons his visor and sleeve garter, grabs his adding machine, and totals up the cost in Costco and other discount membership warehouse stores. Go right on in, have a look around, and find bargains galore! A bargain is something you don't really need, at a price you can't afford to turn down! Fill up on highly processed food samples while you empty your wallet! Please don't leave until you've spent it all! Here's a great idea for a date: Meet at the outside food counter and ha...

Smarty Pants Lance talks about flakey people. They're not just on the Westcoast, anymore! Why are people so darn flakey? It's not a new phenomenon. In the past, Lance has befallen victim by flakes since his high school days. These days he has a no flake policy. If meeting or getting together, the person agreeing to meet, or get together, must confirm via text 24 hours in advance, or hell no, Lance won't go! If the person meeting Lance is 5 minutes late for any kind of meeting, even Zoom, and d...

In this, change-of-pace, episode, Smarty Pants Lance waxes sentimentally about his long ago and dearly departed rescue- a Husky mix- he named, Amanda or "Mander T. Commander." Was it fate or coincidence that brought then together? Lance prefers to believe it was fate. You decide. The correct answer is fate! A "shaggy dog story" of two who needed each other. For those who worry about rescuing a dog, please keep in mind, she was a very good girl!

Smarty Pants Lance delves into the old saw; "Actions speak louder than words." It's about those things people say, but don't really mean. Manipulations, game playing, misrepresentation to out-and-out-fraud, and niceties, too, such as , "Oh, my, what a cute baby! he/she/they/it are just soooo cute! Politicians are notorious for saying things that sound good but when pressed- sometimes by The Press-, don't really mean what they say or promise. So, what's not to like? Watch what people actually ...

At the insistence of so-called, friends, "Smarty Pants Lance," "Big Bangs" his way into podcasting with his first episode containing a short, humorous descriptions of a few of his life experiences, including: cheap and broken furniture and general messiness at radio stations, unusable toilets, how to distinguish between movie actors, TV personalities, and radio peeps, hating every moment of religious school, my childhood dentist who smoked while working on me. how swimming pools are cesspools, a...